It's between the ears...

The treatment continues but without the immunotherapy whilst my bloods and thyroid settle down following the breathing and dizzy spells. The chemo only treatment feels nowhere near as intense and the side effects are less drastic. That is not to say that the sickness and fatigue has gone away. Far from it. I am, on some days, beyond exhausted and am struggling to walk even a few yards to the shop to get my basic groceries.

I am coming up to the end of Cycle 3 - seven weeks of treatment to be completed this week. It's a lot to have gone through already. I know that. But this week has been particularly difficult from a mental point of view. The fatigue is difficult and, unsurprisingly, draining which in turns adds further lethargy. My sleep patterns are off kilter which means some very early mornings, and there are times during the day when I simply have to sleep.

Not that it is an issue. Brain fog limits the level of attention I can give to anything, so dozing off during the day whilst attempting to read or catching up on paperwork, or even day time TV is not a problem.

But the biggest difficulty lately is what is happening between my ears.

Those that know me really well will be aware that I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. Sometimes it has been pretty awful; severe even, but I have had treatment on and off for over 25 plus years and I am mostly in control of the worst of it. I used to be ashamed and hide that fact that I had a mental health illness but I am no longer that person. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and whilst I would not usually share my personal situation so openly I think it is very relevant to my current status.

Dealing with cancer really plays with the mind. I have no doubt that I will survive this. I know what the odds are and I started in a strong position physically. I am capable of compartmentalising my life too and treating it like another project to manage or overcome. Something I learnt do when I worked in the marketing world. I can manage my expectations and timeline relatively well.

I have a mental target for end April 2024 for the treatment conclusion. It's manageable.

But in between the management is the mental strain. Dealing with such intense fatigue is truly draining. I cannot go out when I wish to. I have to continuously cancel meet-ups with friends which then leaves (perhaps) too much solitude. Offers of company are continuous but are difficult to accept when feeling nauseous or worn out.

This week proved more difficult than most. I have been fearful. I have been low and I have been tearful. I know, in this case, it's the drugs and side effects and not depression winging it's way through my cerebrum. And I have friends who instinctively know that I need a virtual hug to pull me through.

I am grateful for that and other touchpoints I have.

But f*** me! It's a challenge.